An Intro To Asskicking 101
by Eberhardt
Summary: Naruto had spent the last few years in a bit of a rut. Thrown out of his own dimension, and still without a way back, he hasn't had all that much to do. And his job sucks. His colleagues are boring and useless, the board has tried to fire him several times, and his student can't write a good essay to save their lives. Maybe it's time shake things up a bit?
1. Lesson One: A Good Dream

**Lesson 1**  
 **A Good Dream**

Sighing in frustration, I resisted the urge to massage my temples. Instead, I leaned back into my chair, fished out a cigarette and lit it up. Inhaling, I stared at the ceiling, watching the tiny puffs of smoke waft upwards, before billowing against it.

It was a bit of a habit I'd picked up, in the last couple of years. It brought back memories of a winkled old man with a fond, if exasperated, smile in a funny hat, and another man with a mane of white hair and red streaks below his eyes. I guess you could say it was a habit passed down from teacher to student. After awhile, it had also become something of a calming act. Which, if you knew me at all, you'd know that I was in sore need of such things.

Grinning, I lost myself in thoughts of those I hadn't seen in what felt like a lifetime. But then my eye drifted downward and caught sight of the thing that had set me off in the first place.

"Why the hell can't any of these damn kids write for shit?!"

A fist slammed into the desk, jostling the veritable mountain of papers on top of it, and it took me a moment to realize it was my own. If I didn't need to go over and revise each and every single one of them, I'd burn the whole damn lot of these papers. Growling, I picked up the nearest one, skimming through it quickly and pointing out all the errors. When I was done, I marked it in large, red ink. Barely passable, according to the school defined grading system.

Which I called bullshit on, because I'd seen _smut_ written better than a great deal of these horrible, barely legible short stories.

How the hell did I end up as a school teacher again?

Oh right. I'd been hassled into filling in as a substitute and the bastard I'd been subbing for had never deigned to come back. And for the last 4 years, I'd been stuck here.

Well, okay, technically the school board had tried to remove me after, like, 4 days. But! Nobody, and I mean _nobody,_ fires Uzumaki Naruto! I had a job to do, dammit, and I wasn't leaving until these damn kids were edjumicated! Even if they did seem particularly adverse to _actually absorbing what I freaking taught them!_

Gah!

Sometimes, I thought it was karmic vengeance for my delinquency back when I was in the academy. Then I reminded myself that I'd been the perfect little hellion, thank you very much, and pranking had been some serious business. However, I did recognize that my current job was quite a few steps down from where I'd been beforehand.

Then again, pretty much anything was a step down from 'Savior of the World.'

Fucking Kaguya. Fucking Kamui. Fucking end of the world apocalypse.

That bunny eared bitch just couldn't take losing like the good little demented rabbit goddess that she was. No, she just _had_ to open up one last portal and chuck me and the good ol' bastard, Sasuke, through. Still have no idea what happened to him. For all I know, he'd gotten lucky and ended up in a dimension full of never-ending ramen.

Mmm. Ramen.

Anyway, that was...5 years ago? Man things had been confusing when I'd first landed here. Hadn't realized I was in a completely new dimension until a couple days in. Apparently the locals spoke Elemental. The culture was petty similar too, actually. Kurama had a few theories about that, but I tended to just tune him out and take it in stride. Honestly, the first year had been pretty damn weird, getting used to this place. I mean, I'd also spent the majority of my time fruitlessly attempting to get back to my world, but that hadn't really panned out.

Seriously. The one time I'd gotten anywhere close, I was thrown back into this dimension ass over teakettle with bruises on my bruises. Evidently, there happens to be a giant ass fucking dragon of all things wandering the space between worlds.

Who knew?

Incidentally, it was a bit after that, that I decided to take up smoking.

And since then, it had just been this. Grading paper after paper, trying to instill some modicum of writing literacy in my students and doing pretty much jack all else.

I mean, I'd always kind of figured I'd take on some students someday, you know? Teaching was something I respected, since a lot of the people I looked up to had been my teachers. Iruka. Kakashi. Jiraiya. Even the Old Man had taught me a few things when I was younger. So I didn't mind teaching, not really. If it was anything, it was _what_ I was teaching. Writing, for all that I'm good at it -after all, being forced to be Jiriaya's editor made you learn a few things- just wasn't what I was most interested in.

The last few years had just been so...dull.

Sighing once more, I tapped the remains of my cigarette into the ashtray on my desk and stood up. I'd have a shadow clone go through the rest of the papers later. For now, I couldn't stand to see any more improper punctuation or misspelled words.

It was time for some ramen.

* * *

"And that concludes this week's report on the status of our school gymnasium. As you can see, after the last game between Miss Shitori and Miss Gremory, it's in dire need of repairs." A tall, dull looking man in glasses droned on.

I'm pretty sure I've worked with this guy for 4 years, and for some reason I have no idea what his name is. I know I learned it at some point, but for the life of me I can't remember what it is. Or what he teaches. Or even what he was just talking about really. But that might just be because I'd just spent the last 15 minutes trying to remember his name.

"Thank you, Shirohama-san, for that detailed report. I believe that was the last thing on the menu for today's staff meeting?" Another dull looking person whom I couldn't remember the name of said. I think it started with a W?

Bah. Why were these Staff Meetings always so boring? It's not like I ever contributed anything! I'm pretty sure I could skip out and nothing would change!

Come to think of it, why _didn't_ I do that?

Just as the mind numbing horror of the fact that I could have skipped these damn meetings crept upon me, I was hit by another whammy, like a hammer to the gut.

"There's just the matter of who's to handle this week's detention. I believe this week, the scheduled teacher is...Uzumaki-san?" He said questioningly. And then, as one, all of my coworkers' heads turned towards me as my mouth opened in utmost horror.

"You can't be serious!" I nearly shouted, "What have I done to deserve having the damnable little blighters stuck on me?" I asked frantically.

One of them looked down at their clipboard, shifting their glasses for a better look. "It seems more that it has to do with the fact that you've done nothing else, Uzumaki-san. You've never been the teacher on duty for detention a single time. How that's possible, I've no idea," He was interrupted by bouts of fake coughing and plenty of grumbling, "but the fact remains. Besides, I believe the only one to actually get detention this week is one...Hyoudou Issei, I believe."

I groaned audibly as I slumped into my chair. It seems they'd finally caught on to my scheming. I'd mess with the charts and schedule regularly to make sure and wipe my name from it, so i wouldn't be saddled with such nonsense. One of them must have kept a copy a their house or something.

"Fine, whatever, I'll handle the damn detention. What's the kid in for, anyway?"

One of the female teachers frowned in distaste, before speaking. "He was caught peeking on the school kendo club. This is his 5th offense. Why he hasn't been expelled yet, I don't know."

Stifling a snort, I nearly grinned. Peeking? Man, that brought back memories of a certain perverted old hermit. Still, there was no way this kid could be _that_ perverted. Jiraiya was just on a whole other level.

The scraping of chairs against the floor drew my attention and I realized it was time to go. Scowling a bit, I stood as well, gesturing a half-hearted farewell as I exited the room and began to roam the hallway. If I took my time, I'd have a few minutes to think of something for this kid's detention. Sure, I could just have him write lines or make him write an essay or some other pansy ass shit, but that just seemed half-assed. I may not have wanted Detention Duty, but that didn't mean I was going to slack off.

My first few ideas were thrown away as soon as I came up with them. The typical punishments I'd grown up with wouldn't really fly here. I'd found that this world, generally speaking, was a bit more...soft, when it came to their kids and even just their day to day lives in general. Sure, they had war, and soldiers and crime and their fair share of horrible people, but most just weren't used to stark reality of a war torn world where you grew up being told the best thing you could do is fight, kill and die for your country. Hell, not even your country, just your _village._

If they didn't make for a great figurehead and a way to shore up resources and manpower, most Hidden Villages wouldn't pause for a second to turn around and lop off the head of their local daimyo. Which was probably why relations between Villages and the Daimyo were always so tenuous. The Daimyo knew they were only in charge by grace of the fact that the Shinobi _let them_ be in charge.

So yeah, in this world throwing a kid off a cliff and expecting him to survive was somehow seen as _wrong_ and _criminally insane._

By the time I reached the door to to Hyoudou's classroom I still hadn't thought of a suitable punishment. However, I couldn't just put things off, so I opened the door and stepped in, taking my place at the front of the room and finally getting a good look at my charge. I was silent as I took him in, still trying to think of something to punish him with.

He was wearing the Kuoh Academy uniform, and had this kind of panicked expression on his face. Like he had to really go to the bathroom or something. Meh, I ignored it and kept on observing. Brown hair in ruffled locks, an average looking face with brown eyes and no hint of muscles that i could see. All in all, he was...extremely average looking.

Hrmm. As I stared at him some more, my mind was turning. I think I knew how to punish this kid.

* * *

Hyoudou Issei was in a state of panic. This year, despite seeming to have started off great, had not been going as planned at all. Somehow, someway, he'd managed to score well enough on his tests at the end of the last school year and had gotten into the very prestigious school known as Kuoh Academy. A former all girl's school that had only become co-ed recently, it had seemed like a dream come true. The first step of grand plan, leading up to his ultimate goal!

Unfortunately, things had not really worked out. Despite doing his utmost best, he had so far failed to find himself a girlfriend. In fact, one could say he'd gone the other way, and instead alienated himself from the entire female half of the school. Something about how being honest and upfront about his perverseness being a huge turn off. But they didn't understand! It was perfectly natural for a teenage male to think about such things! At least he was honest, at least he didn't pretend to have any other motives!

Still, that reasoning just didn't seem to fly. And so, in his desperation, he'd taken to getting as good and as many a peak as he could at his female classmates. He'd even made some tentative friends! Well, he thought they were friends anyway, but they always seemed to ditch him when they were about to be caught.

You'd think that after 5 times in a row, he'd learn to ditch them before they did it to him. But alas, he was ever trusting and ever tempted by the allure of the sight of the female form. So, in their lat adventure, wherein they'd found a great spot to look in on the girl's kendo team, he'd been once more the only one caught. Which, honestly, wasn't too bad aside from the minor bruises and welts the kendo club had given him. The detentions were boring, but that was it. Nothing to worry about.

That what he'd thought, anyway. Right up until he'd been told that Uzumaki-Sensei would be overseeing his detention.

Issei might have been a first year, but it didn't take long for one to hear about Uzumaki-Sensei. For someone who taught at a prestigious school like Kuoh Academy, he didn't act like it at all! He was supposed to be the most fearsome teacher in school! He terrorized his students, grading them harsher than any other. He smoked constantly during class and had no sense for politeness.

It was said that the school board had tried firing him several different times, and each time he refused to leave. When the teacher they'd hired to replace him had shown up, the replacement was found strung up on the school flag pole in nothing but his underwear covered in pink paint and body glitter! They'd even called the local police in to haul him off, but the police hadn't even been able to make it up to the second floor as they fell to his many traps. Apparently, the cops were still sore over it and continue to try again and again each month.

And Issei's detention was being overseen by a crazy guy like that? There was no way he'd survive!

Just as he was about to start hyperventilating, his thoughts were interrupted by the door to the classroom abruptly sliding open and the teacher in question stepping through. As he did, Issei went ramrod straight, sweat trickling down the back of his neck as he dreadfully anticipated his punishment. He waited as Uzumaki-sensei stood at the front of the room, his fierce blue eyes feeling like they were piercing into Issei's very soul as the teacher examined him. Seconds felt like minutes as he just stood silently at the front, not making a move, even as it only served to make the perverted student more nervous.

Not even trying to distract himself from that gaze by examining his teacher in kind worked! Uzumaki-sensei hadn't said a single thing and yet it felt like his life wash flashing before his eyes. Just what kind of person was this?!

Feeling like he was about to have a heart attack, his blonde teacher finally spoke. "Alright, I've decided. Follow me, kid." And with that, he turned around and left through the door he had just come through.

Slumping down in his chair, Issei let out a sigh of relief. He was alive? Patting himself down to make sure, he felt like cheering, but reminded himself it wasn't over yet. "Ah!" Uzumaki-sensei was already halfway down the hall! Frantically he scrambled to follow after him, wondering just where they were going. In addition, Issei couldn't help his eyes traveling to the back of his teacher's head.

Now that he'd calmed down a bit, he'd been able to actually figure out what his teacher looked like. Honestly, with rough, unkempt locks of blonde hair and a rugged face marred with what looked like scars in the shape of whiskers, he had a hard time believing the man was a teacher. Plus, the simple black suit he was wearing was kept open and ruffled, like the man had put the thing on as an after thought. If he's seen him walking down the side of the road like, you'd never believe he was a teacher at such a prestigious academy!

Not only that, but when he'd stepped into the room...it was like his mind had gone blank with terror. Truthfully, Issei knew he'd worked himself up as he was wont to do, but that had been something else. That hadn't been fear born from a wild imagination! It was more like every sense he had available to him, that deep primal instinct buried deep in his psyche, all of it had told him to flee at the first chance he got! How did anyone have such a presence?

But...the moment he'd spoken, it was like something had broken the spell. There was no trace of that frightful pressure, that made him feel like he could die at any moment. _Had_ he just been imagining things? No, that was impossible. He'd just been thinking about how the fear had been entirely unlike anything he'd ever felt before, beyond any kind of petty half-assed thoughts and premonitions!

Shaking his head to clear it of such things, he looked up and made a sound of surprised confusion. "Eh?" They were heading into the school gym. At this time of day it'd be empty. Why were they going there? As the doors swung open and Issei followed his teacher inside, he let out another, louder, sound of surprise.

"EH?"

The whole place was absolutely wrecked! Mats were thrown all over the place, there were deep troughs in the floor and were those crated in the wall?! Dust and debris were everywhere, broken equipment and deflated balls of every variety were spread out along the floor. Stopping in place as his head shot around looking at all the damage, he couldn't believe it. Had a tornado swept through this place or something?!

The quick click of a lighter and the hiss of a flame drew his attention back to Uzumaki-sensei, and he saw the man lighting up a cigarette he had pulled from his breast pocket. As the blonde stuck it in his mouth, Issei couldn't quite suppress his disbelief at a teacher so openly smoking like that on school grounds.

Taking a drag from his cancerous deathstick, and letting out a subsequent cloud of smoke, his teacher finally spoke once more. "Alright then, kid, this how it goes. For your punishment, I'm gonna give you a choice."

Cocking his head to the side, Issei let out, "Huh? A choice? What kind of choice, Sensei?"

That sense of foreboding came back as he saw the smirk creeping onto his teacher's face. As he spread his arms out wide, gesturing to the wreckage around them, he said, "Either you can spend the next few hours doing your damned best to clean this place up -and trust me when i say I'll _make sure_ you do your best- and most likely go home tired, sore and beat. Or..." The blonde drifted off.

Despite himself, Issei couldn't help but fall for the obvious ploy. There was no way he wanted to pick this place up! It looked like a disaster area!

Uzumaki-sensei just smirked some more, as he continued, "Or," here he bent down, picking something up off the ground and throwing it towards Issei, who stumbled as he caught it. "Or, you can try and beat me in a kendo match. The way I see it, maybe if you learn the kind of effort those girls put into their practice, you might just figure out how disrespectful you are when you act like such a punk. If you can get even a single clean hit on me, I'll let you go home."

Dumbly, Issei just looked down at the shinai in his hands, the wooden practice blade feeling a bit awkward in his grip from how he was holding it. Looking up at his teacher, he asked, "Huh? Is that even allowed, sensei?"

In answer, the man simply let out a snort. "Who the hell cares if it's allowed or not. What are they gonna do, _fire me?_ " The last was said so sarcastically and with such nonchalance, Issei all but gawked. This guy...he really didn't care at all, did he?! "So then kid, what'll it be? Go home sore and tired, or go home sore, tired and bruised?"

Issei's eyes tracked down once more to the wooden sword in his hands. He'd never used one of the things in his life. The most he knew about swordfighting was the play fights he used to have as a kid, swinging small wooden sticks wildly around. There was no way he could win against someone who knew what they were doing, and from Uzumaki-sensei's confidence he probably did know what he was doing.

However...he didn't _need_ to win. All Issei had to do was get a single hit in. That didn't seem so hard. Yeah, if it was just that, eh could definitely do it! And if he got home early enough, he'd still have enough time to watch that video Matsuda had lent him!

As a surge of energy spread through him, Issei said, "Yosh! Let's do this, Uzumaki-sensei! I'll get that hit in no time!" And like that, he grabbed the end of the shinai with both hands and charged, intent on fulfilling his claim.

It wouldn't be that easy however, as the brown haired student's wide swing hit nothing but air, his momentum carrying him forward and making him stumble. Barely keeping himself upright, he turned to find his opponent, only to see a brown wooden blur slashing towards his face. He didn't even have time to try and block as it smashed into him and pain flared across his cheek as he once more stumbled.

Hissing in pain, he brought a hand up to hold his face as he forced an eye open to look at his teacher who now had his own wooden blade swung across his shoulders. "It won't be that easy, kid. Just because I've got better things to do than babysit your pathetic ass doesn't mean I'll go light on you."

Frowning as he rubbed at the sore spot on his face, Issei's eyes tightened in determination. Placing both hands back on the wooden blade he once again charged, letting out a battlecry as he swung and swung and swung, aiming as hard as he could at his cocky blonde opponent. To his dismay, however, each slash met nothing but air as the other man swiftly evaded his attacks. Before he was able to turn to face him once more, a sharp pain lanced across his back and a rush of air forced itself from his lungs.

Almost going down onto his knees, he shook himself and bent back up only to charge back in once more.

For his part, the teacher just sighed as he dodged each clumsy attack, stepping from right, to left to back again. To Issei, it was like even as he saw the man's feet move he couldn't tell where he was going next. How was he doing that? The teenager didn't think he'd ever seen _anyone_ move like that!

Breathing hard as air was sucked into his lungs only to be hastily expelled, he cried out as instead of dodging his last attack, Uzumaki-sensei's blade met his own, turning it aside and leaving it wide open for a quick blow to his chest. Reeling from the strike, he was unable to keep from falling on his ass, the wooden blade clattering on the ground beside him. Taking the chance to rest and recover, Issei's chest heaved as he breathed hard.

Dammit! It had sounded so easy, but why was it so hard to get a single hit in?!

His teacher yawned, showing just how unaffected he was by their so far short battle. It was like he wasn't even worried at all! "Man, I knew you'd be bad at this kid, but that was just pathetic. You sure you still wanna go this route? It's not too late to change your mind, you know."

To hell with that! This wasn't just about getting out of detention anymore, to Issei his pride as a man was on the line! How could he call himself any kind of a man if he couldn't land a single damn hit? Growling a bit, he forced himself back up onto his legs, grabbing the practice blade once more as he glared at the blonde.

"Hmph. Alright then. But let me just say this, kid. As you are right now, you won't ever be able to get a hit in."

Frustration creeping into his voice, he asked, "Oh yeah? And why the hell is that?"

His teacher simply stood in a casual stance, as if unworried about any kind of sudden attack. There was this uncaring, apathetic look on his face, and his eyes were half-lidded, like he was barely paying attention. It was annoying as all hell!

Watching as the man placed a pinky in his ear to dig out the wax, instead of answering he said, "Let me ask you this, then. What's your goal in life? Your dream? What exactly is most important to you, huh?"

Eh? Stunned at the question, Issei let his stance loosen a bit in surprises as he digested the question. "What kind of question is that? That's easy, my dream to is to become the ultimate Harem King!" His voice was bright and enthusiastic, like it always was when he proclaimed his ambition. There was no hesitation or waver to it, just a certainty that he'd one day achieve his goal.

In contrast, his teacher just sighed in disappointment. "The hell kind of dream is that, kid? That's exactly what I'm talking about here. With an attitude like that, it's no wonder your so pathetic."

Those words just caused Issei to scowl. Who was he to look down on somebody else's dream? Sure, he was used to that kind of thing. He was ridiculed every time he voiced it. Nobody really understood his dream, nobody but motohama and matsuda! So he was used to it, he really was. But those eyes! The way his teacher looked at him, not with disgust or ridicule, but real, _genuine_ disappointment, like everything he'd worked these last couple years for was completely idiotic! That look just made his blood boil!

He didn't even realize it when he he started sprinting forward, blade held high. First one step, then two, all the while Uzumaki-sensei just looked at him with those damn infuriating eyes! The bastard didn't twitch a single muscle, even as closed the distance. A surge of triumph washed through him. There was no way he'd be able to dodge from so close! He was going to do it!

Bringing the blade down, he was a hairsbreadth from landing the blow when it was all over in a flash.

As his back hit the mat, it was like everything went in slow motion as he watched the wooden practice blade that had just been in his hand fly, spinning through the air. Issei watched it rotate, once, twice, thrice and then time sped back up to normal and it clattered down right next to his face, making his ears ring.

 _'Wha...What happened?'_

One moment he was about to land the hit, and the next he was on his back with the mother of all bruises slowly forming over his chest. He'd been hit so hard, he was being wracked with coughs, making him slowly sit up as he regained his breath. Oh man, he felt so whoozy the whole room seemed to spin. In the end, it was the click hiss of his teacher's lighter that brought him back to reality.

Letting out a puff of smoke, his teacher sighed once more And then he spoke, and despite himself Issei was enraptured. "A selfish dream like that...Maybe I'm biased -hell, I AM biased- but thinking about yourself, and only yourself...that road doesn't go anywhere good, kid." The blonde scratched his scalp as he paused for a moment, thinking of what else to say. "Honestly, you don't seem like such a bad guy. And you got passion and devotion in spades, even I can tell that much. But your putting all that effort and energy in the wrong place. Are you really going to tell me, that out of all the things you could possibly think of in this world, your dream, your life's goal, is to be a Harem King?"

Issei had ducked his head as his teacher spoke, but at the last comment, almost rebuked him, but before he could it died on his lips.

Uzumaki-sensei was looking at him with those same disappointed eyes, but unlike before Issei could see hints of sadness in them too. Sadness at the fact that he actually saw something in Issei, that the brown haired student could actually make something of himself, and instead was wasting it on a useless dream. It wasn't that his teacher thought he couldn't achieve his dream, it was that he thought Issei could do so much better.

And it was such a stark difference from how it usually was. People always told him his dream was impossible, or that it was a stupid goal to strive for because there was no way he ever make it real.

"And are you really saying you've never had any other dream in your life? Nothing else you ever wanted to achieve? There wasn't a single thing you could feel pride in?"

His teacher's words hit home and Issei couldn't help but think. Had he always wanted a harem? It had been a pretty big part of his daily life for the past 3 or so years, but he hadn't wanted to be a harem king before that, had he? He wouldn't have even known what a harem _was_ much less if he wanted one. Actually, now that Issei thought about it, hadn't he had a dream from before that? A silly, child-like dream spawned from a promise between two childhood friends.

But...but after his friend had moved away, it had felt so hollow and as he grew older everyone would tell him that he needed to grow up. That his dream, that promise he'd made with his single friend had been juvenile and idiotic. When had he given up on that dream? Had he moved on to wanting to become a Harem King in a fit of adolescent rebellion? A way to snub those who told him his dream was naive, by coming up with an even more ridiculous one?

He couldn't remember. But then, why was it that when he remembered his old dream, his new one seem so...hollow. Like the last shreds of a tattered cloth, a shadow clinging to the barest hints of existence.

As he knelt on the ground, he hung his head. Issei barely noticed when Uzumaki-sensei sat down on the mat next to him, smoking in silence before he let out one last comment.

"I'm not saying perversion isn't a worthwhile endeavor. Hell, some of the strongest guys I knew and respected were perverted as hell. One of them was even more of a perv than you, believe it or not. But they all had something else to drive them, something that made em great. They could stop and smell the flowers, as it were, but it wasn't all they lived for. So don't get sidetracked by the scent of a few pretty flowers and let life pass you by, kid. You'll end up regretting."

Issei could feel something wet pooling up in the corner of his eyes, and his chest felt tight. His mouth opened, but no words formed, as he felt like he was choking. It seemed like a lost cause, but then, miraculously, he managed to say, "I...I wanted to be...a superhero." The words were quiet, barely audible, and choked out. But nonetheless, his teacher made a sounds of agreement.

And then he said the words that Issei had always wanted to here, but never had.

"Maa...that's a good dream."

* * *

A/N: My main gripe with DxD has always been the horrible, horrible rampant perversity and one dimensional nature of Issei as a character. So, I decided to see if I could change that a bit and went with a bit of a common theme I've seen in DxD fics where in his younger days, he and Irina both promised to become heroes of justice Emiya-Family Style. Honestly can't remmeber if this is canon or not, but I'm rolling with it.

This will be a short story. Not sure how many chapters I'll write, but I don't plan on having too many. Events will mostly play from Naruto's viewpoint, with the perspective of someone else now and then. As the main character, naruto's scene's will be in first person. Everyone else will be in third person.


	2. Lesson Two: Rules of The Game

**Lesson 1  
Rules Of The Game**

A couple weeks later found a stern looking young woman in front of my desk, square rimmed glasses flashing dangerously in the school lighting as she scowled down at me.

I just opened my mouth and yawned, blinking blearily at her as I waited. Despite not having actually met her before, I could recognize the girl in front of me easily. The other teachers had bemoaned and praised her strict, and upright demeanor in equal measure, after all. Sona Shitori was infamous as the new student council president for intimidating even most of the staff. From the way she had barged in here and demanded an explanation about...something, and her impressive scowl, I got the feeling I was her next target.

"Well?!" She all but yelled at me.

Sticking my pinky in my ear to clear it of some wax, I looked up at her with a bored expression. "Hm, did you say something?"

The wooden clipboard held within her hands snapped in half, her fingers spasming as a vein appeared on her forehead. Behind her, the students in my home room class all began to sweat as the tried to surreptitiously scooch their desks away from the petite girl standing at the front of the room.

"Mr. Uzumaki, it is my understanding that you have not been under employ since you were terminated _4 years ago!_ How you have gone this long without being thrown off the premises, or why the schoolboard still pays you boggle my mind. But I will not have it! I demand you leave immediately."

Oh, is that what this was about? I wondered as I blinked up at her. In the back I could see some of my students slumping down into their seats in some form of relief, and I had to stifle a chuckle. Looking up at the girl with an amused smile, I said, "No."

It took a moment for my response to sink in, as she blinked, but when it did her face went slack. Then, her pale cheeks began to flush red with righteous anger. "What do you mean no?! This is not a joke, sir! If you do not leave, I will have to call the police."

A collective sigh emerged from the mouths of my students, and as Sona turned quizzically at the sound, I smiled as they all pointed to the windows. Outside, one could see the beautiful morning sky, small white puffs of clouds floating along as large, lush trees shot up into the air from below. And from those trees, right outside the windows to the classroom, one could see a group of men and a couple women dangling from ropes, gagged and dressed up in kabuki paint and wardrobes, their badges and uniform visible beneath.

Sona let out a strangled sound of disbelief and frustration.

Once more, I just yawned and leaned back in my seat. Smacking my lips, I said, "Yeah...good luck with that last one. They try to take me in at least once a month." Leaning forward, I looked out the window curiously. "I'm starting to think they're using me as some sort of hazing process for newbies. Don't think I've seen a familiar face in months."

Seriously, what did this girl expect? They'd tried calling in the cops like a week or two after they'd officially fired me. Things hadn't worked out any better for that group than this one. Ever since, it had become something of a battle of wills for them. Despite never succeeding, they refused to give up, and as such sent in a group to try and arrest me every now and then. At the same time, they also refused to bring in the higher ups or use large amounts of excessive force.

Really, I had to respect their never give up attitude. Reminded me of myself.

Also, at some point, I'd made friends with a few of the regulars. Huh, actually I wondered what Shizu was up to lately? It had been awhile since we went for drinks.

"...I see this will be more difficult than first expected." Sona muttered under her breath, shifting her glasses and turning to look at me with a determined glare. "What will it take to get you to leave this place?"

Raising an eyebrow at her, I just let out a small chuckle. "It'd take a lot more than you have to make me leave here, girl. I've got a job to do, and I'm gonna do it no matter what anyone says." Then I scowled. "Not that any of these kids seem to be picking up anything I teach them, dammit! How hard is it to use proper punctuation now and then?!" Glaring at the students in my classroom, they all had the consideration to duck their heads and smile sheepishly.

In comparison, the student council president's eyes just narrowed further. "There must be something. What is you goal here? Why do you refuse to leave?"

Whoo boy. Now wasn't _that_ a loaded question. Still, it was clear this girl wasn't going to give up any time soon, and while I was fine with that, this was starting to get a bit bothersome. It was times like this where I regretted not learning any genjutsu. That'd solve my problem right quick.

Cocking my head to the side, there was a low grumble in the back of my head, as Kurama poked his nose up for once with an idea. Hrmm, that may just work.

Lips quirking into a small, amused smirk, I said, "Tell you what. How about a bet. I win, you leave me alone for a month. You win, I'll pack up and leave."

Suspicious, she was wary as she asked, "What kind of bet?"

"Simple. We play a sport or game or what have you, and who ever wins, wins the bet. Your pick of game."

If there was one thing I had learned about this world, it was that physically? They kind of sucked. Most of them, anyway. Even without Chakra, I could outdo pretty much anyone. Which meant pretty much no matter what she picked, I'd win. If it was a sport, I was stronger, faster and had more stamina. If it was something like poker, I could cheat like a mother-

"Alright, then we'll play a game of chess."

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-

* * *

"Knight to F7. Check."

A bead of sweat trickled down my cheek as I stared intently at the board. I didn't even have to look up to see the smug little smirk of my diabolical, manipulative opponent. Mark my words, there was mountain of pure, unsaturated _evil_ , behind that delicate face, and square glasses.

Shitori Sona was a _devil._

Of all the games she could have picked why did it have to be chess? Honestly, I wasn't too familiar with the game and had even needed a brief overview of the rules. It was apparently quite a bit like shogi, and from the few times Shika had conned me into playing with him, I already knew I was at a disadvantage. Not only was this the kind of game that took years to master, it also required extreme amounts of _thinking._

Not that I was incapable of that. Basic strategy and tactics were a necessary part of my profession, after all. It's just that...well, I'd kind of always just left that kind of thing up to instinct. This was also the kind of game that required lots and lots of deception and bluffing. Which, again, I was actually pretty good at, just not... _this_ kind. The complicated stuff, y'know? Where you had to think every little thing through and account for every possible scenario. That just wasn't how I worked.

Simple was best. Why bungle everything up by bogging it down with unneeded details? Sleight of hand, trickery, bluffs...I could do that, and they were all apart of my arsenal, but I never went for anything to intricate.

Ironically, the first time I had played Shika, I'd almost won because of that. It had come down to one last move, where he'd sprung some trap thought dozens of moves beforehand, and I'd had him down to three pieces.

Heh, thinking about it almost brought a smile to my face.

"Is there something you find amusing about this situation, Mr. Uzumaki? If I'm not mistaken, you appear to be losing." Sona asked, straight-backed and all prim and proper as she sat across from me.

Sighing, I leaned back into my chair and gave her a small smile. "Ah, nothing. Just this whole thing reminded me of someone."

She quirked an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Chuckling, I reached into my breast pocket and pulled out my pack of cigarettes. Lighting one, I took a small drag from it and smirked as she crinkled her nose in displeasure at the smoke. Hooray for small victories.

"An old friend of mine was quite fond of beating me in Shogi, when he could get me to play. From what I can tell, the two of you use quite similar strategies."

"Really? You must forgive me if I don't find this surprising in the least." Oh, looks like the girl had a bit of bite to her after all. I'd gotten the sense she was one for overly formal politeness in all situations. Most likely, though, I'd probably just pushed the right buttons to make her aggressive. Thoughts that were confirmed as she scowled as she outright scowled as I exhaled the smoke from my death stick.

"Mm. The only real difference in this situation, though, is one small fact."

"And that is?"

I smiled. "My friend was quite a bit smarter than you." Enjoying the small twitch that developed in her eye, I took another look at the board and returned to cursing mentally. She really did have me in a bad spot. Probably.

Maybe.

I think.

The thing was, I wasn't lying with my last comment. What a lot of people didn't seem to get about Shikamaru, was that sometimes? Sometimes he was too smart for his own good. Not even I had really realized that, until that first game of Shogi and it's close game.

He'd looked me in the eye, and told me I was the worst sort of opponent.

Like I said before, it's not that I could out-think him, or even out-trick him. Not when it came to these kind of games, anyway. It's that I was the exact _opposite._ In a world full of ninjas, and illusions and tricks and bluffs and lies and hidden daggers, people kind of get used to it all. Just like Kakashi taught me, always look underneath the underneath.

Good advice.

Except for when there _wasn't_ an underneath the underneath. Shikamaru, and most everyone else, were all too used to there being traps around every corner and hidden in every move, that when you presented them with something overt and obvious, they tended to hesitate. Overthink things. Give them a box with a ton of active explosive tags inside, and tell them they're inside, and they'll spend the time those tags are taking to go off to try and figure out what the trick is, what you're lying about or not saying. Even when the box and what's inside it really is just what you say it is.

I'm many things, there are many thing I am both good and bad at. Long, intricate plans aren't my forte, but people? I liked to think I was good with people. So when I see someone like Shika, the best possible thing to do is be completely upfront and honest, because nothing will throw them off more than that.

Sona wasn't like that. If I had to compare her to anyone, it'd be Sakura.

This worked both for and against me. On one hand, I knew Sakura quite well, and knew what buttons to push _just_ right to get the response that O want. On the other hand, Sakura always was able to see right through me.

While I sincerely doubted Sona was quite as adept as Sakura at the latter, she was proving quite adept at seeing through any plans or strategies I tried to employ in our little game.

But if there's one thing I'd learned over the years? When you're on the verge of losing, there's one simple way to grasp victory from the jaws of defeat.

Change the rules of the game.

And I already had a headstart. Now? Now it was time to get on to phase two.

 _'Oi, Kurama! Wake your lazy ass up!_

* * *

Sona Sitri was... unsettled.

Originally, she had not expected there to be too much trouble when she had walked into Uzumaki's Classroom. Despite only being the Student Council President, and only for a couple months at that, she had a lot of influence on the inner workings of the school. After all, her family, along with the Gremory, had quite the tidy sum invested in the academy. Combined with her strict, no non sense attitude and she could cow even the hardiest of the staff.

Except for one Uzumaki Naruto, it seemed.

She had heard of him before of course. There wasn't a student in the school who hadn't. Before, she had paid the rumors no mind, because there was no way any teacher could be as uncouth and unprofessional as the man had been described. The only way someone could get away with that in this school was if they were involved in the...supernatural side of things, and she had been briefed on every member of the school who was.

Uzumaki was not one of them.

Still, it seems she perhaps should have taken heed of the rumors, as they had turned out to be true. This had come to her attention when reviewing the documentation for all detentions held within the last month. One in particular had caught her interest.

Hyoudou Issei had been a pest for the female students ever since he had gained entry to the school. With the amount of detentions and complaints he had gained since the start of the school year, he would normally be suspended or even expelled at this point. However, Rias and herself were quite certain the boy possessed a Sacred Gear, which made him a valuable asset. If it was up to her, she would have gotten rid of him by now, but Rias seemed to have taken a liking to the boy.

What was interesting was that in the last few weeks, Hyoudou hadn't had a single complaint filed against him. From what she had heard, the boy had even publicly apologized to most of the girls he had peeped on. And then he had joined the Boy's Kendo Team, to the bewilderment of all. Since then, he hadn't had even one detention. Not since his detention with Uzumaki.

The man's report on the encounter had given her some insight into the situation, though it had been brief and minimalistic. Despite how effective Uzumaki's 'methods' had been with the boy, however, they were a clear breach of the rules. Sone had planned to simply file an infraction against the man, but after some digging had found that would not be possible as Uzumaki was not even listed as _working at the school._ And yet, the school still paid him his salary and there was an _entire_ storage room devoted to holding all the complaints filed against him!

It seems the rumors had been true. Kuoh's School Board _had_ fired the man 4 years ago, but he had just...never left. Seeing as no one else seemed to want to deal with the problem, she had gone to do it on her own.

Which led to her current situation.

She was winning. She _knew_ she was. Uzumaki had made a critical mistake by allowing her to choose the game. With anyone else she might have hesitated. The man was a teacher after all, and that usually meant one could be expected to have a certain level of intellect. Though she still most likely would have won, the chances of her losing would have been higher. But it seemed she had pegged the man correctly, in that most of his plays and strategies were simple and easily seen through.

And yet... _and yet_...she'd made a mistake.

Sona Sitri _never_ made mistakes!

Over the course of the game, the man had been slowly making her more and more agitated. How could someone like him call himself a teacher?! He was rude, uncouth and arrogant beyond belief. Her frustration was only equaled by the satisfaction she felt at her assured win over this man.

Right up until things had _changed._

It had been a slow thing. Something that had built up over time, piece by piece, until she had noticed her hand visibly shaking as she picked up one of her pieces. That had been the thing that sparked her realization.

Nothing about him had changed. Not the vacantly bored expression on his face, not the slouched way in which he held himself, not even in the way he played the game. Yet he was most assuredly _different._ More _intense._ As if his presence had magnified tenfold when he wasn't paying attention. The feeling he gave off now...it scared her.

Was it just her imagination, or did his lips just quirk up ever so slightly? Had she imagined that flash of red in his eyes? And suddenly, where before it had seemed like nothing about hm had changed, it was as if _everything_ had.

He didn't move, but something in his body language _shifted_ , and he was smiling. There was something dark and amused in that smile.

"Is there something wrong? It's your move." His voice wasn't different either, but it distracted her from her thoughts.

"No, everything is fine." She didn't let anything show on her face, or in her voice. Her eyes flicked down to the board and she felt the urge to scowl. As she had thought, she had messed up in her last turn. Though she was definitely still winning, it had set her back a few turns _at least._ Luckily, whatever it was about him that had set off her mental danger alarms was receding.

It made no sense to her. Uzumaki definitely wasn't part of the supernatural world, or she'd know about him. And she couldn't sense any real potential for magic in him either, nor any Sacred Gears or _anything_ out of the norm. But no one normal should be able to give off the feeling she had gotten from him mere moments ago.

Sona would be lying if she said it hadn't rattled her.

The rest of the game proceeded in silence, neither party saying anything. Just like she'd predicted, her victory had been set back a few turns, but she was slowly whittling down his number of pieces. Every now and then, though, her hand would shake, and she'd have second thoughts about the move she'd just made. Had that been the move she'd wanted to make? Was it really a good one? Should she have done something else? Each and every time she'd dismiss the thoughts quickly, but she felt much less sure of her victory.

Somehow, when the game finally ended, with her having reduced him to nothing but a Rook and a Pawn, she was unsurprised with the result.

"I lost."

Her voice was hollow, and without emotion, as she went over every move of the game in her head, trying to comprehend the _how._

* * *

 _ **'You truly are one tricky bastard, you know that?'**_ Kurama chuckled amusedly in the back of my mind, as he retreated in the depths of my consciousness.

In response, I just took a drag of my cigarette, and blew out a ring of smoke. What he said wasn't untrue, though I really couldn't have pulled that off without his help. Normally, getting the fox to help out with something like this would be a pain in the ass, but to be completely honest...

He was as bored as I was, most of the time. Not to mention, for however much progress Kurama had made in not being a gigantic mass of rage and hatred, he still had a mean streak a mile wide. Getting a few kicks out of messing with some random kid was basically the highlight of his day.

My eyes flitted over the girl sitting across from me, and then towards the students that had been paying rapt attention to the whole thing. Sona was staring intently at the board, while my students just seemed to be sitting there, stupefied, not comprehending what had happened.

I sighed.

Did I really have to spell everything out for them?

Taking another long drag off of my cigarette, I expelled a large amount of smoke into the air, watching it curl into intricate patterns as I put out what was left.

"I cheated."

Blunt, uncaring, and completely true. Two simple words managed to draw the entire attention of the whole class, and the girl too, as she looked up sharply in disbelief.

"Impossible. I kept track of every move the whole game!"

Ignoring her, I looked around, examining each and every one of my students. They all looked just as surprised as she did. Dammit, didn't these kids notice anything?!

"Che, none of you lackwits noticed? No one?" I gave them a moment to respond, hoping that _someone, anyone_ would speak up and say they had caught it.

No such luck, it seemed.

Rolling my eyes, I scowled and spoke back up. "Do I really have to explain everything to you dumbasses? Alright, pay attention because I'll only go over this once!" My voice was gruff, and my gaze was stern as I looked at them, watching in satisfaction as everyone began to sit up straight. In front of me, Sona looked slightly bewildered as her gaze leaped from me to the class.

"Let's start with the beginning. What _did_ you notice?"

There was a moment, as they shared glances with eachother, confused. Hesitantly, one in the front, a mousy looking brunette poke up. "U-uhm...you were losing badly?"

I pinched my brow in frustration. "What else." A demand, rather than a question.

This time it was a boy who spoke. "Err...you didn't seem to be putting in much effort? Most of your moves were simple and quick, like you didn't care, I guess."

Raising a brow, I said, "You guess? Whatever, next."

"You kept blowing smoke in Shitori-san's direction, and being...uhh, you?"

Hm. I actually let a small smirk twitch at my lips at that one. It seemed to be the spark some of them needed, as a few looks of realization appeared on their faces.

"You were provoking her!"

Sona blinked in surprise at that, and the smirk became a full on grin. "That's right. That was part of it, but that's not how I cheated. What else do you have?"

At this point, a look of concentration appeared on their faces, as they went back over the game they had watched. Sona's eyes were wide, and puzzled, as if she couldn't understand what was happening in front of her.

"Halfway through the game, Shitori-san started hesitating!"

Said person frowned at the reminder, but I kept the same smile on my face, as I nodded. Though none of them would know the why, they had seen the effects of Kurama's presence for themselves. He'd kept it to a minimum, and Sona was the only one who had felt it, but it had been more than enough to serve my purposes. More of an unintended side effect, actually.

"She got distracted! And uh, so did I, I guess. I was too busy wondering what had happened..."

Humming a little bit, I gave them a few more moments to come up with anything else, though i didn't expect them too. If they'd been paying attention, they'd have already spoken up.

"Correct. I rattled her, shook her focus and all of yours. You were all so distracted, none of you saw me outright moving pieces on the board. Miss Shitori here was so out of it, she wasn't even able to keep track of where pieces had been beforehand. It was as simple as that."

Simple sleight of hand. If there are no clear opportunities to allow you to cheat, the answer is obvious.

Make your own damn opportunities.

No doubt, there was more to it. I had years of practice with this kind of thing after all, and knew how to move in just the right ways to avoid drawing attention. The distraction had also been the result of a slow buildup, small stressors piling up over time and throwing my opponent off her game. This had created multiple opportunities in the long run to manipulate the board to my liking, once more in small, minor ways that had slowly built up.

Of course, even that wouldn't have helped me win, if I hadn't had Kurama dig up that memory of my first game against Shika for me. Shogi and Chess weren't exactly alike, but I'd been able to adapt that last winning gambit Shikamaru had used for my own use here.

"You can't be serious! It couldn't have been that simple!" Though Sona didn't raise her voice, her disbelief was evident.

For her, I had two simple words.

So I smiled and said, "Believe it."

A few minutes later, the bell rang and the students began to file out. Before long, the only one's left in the room were myself and Sona, who was staring intently at me.

"You cheated." A statement, the implications within clear.

I nodded. "I did."

Sighing, she slumped back into her chair. "I'd go on about how that goes against the spirit of our agreement, but..."

"The bet was to see whoever wins. I never stated how either of had to win."

"Indeed."

So, she'd noticed that on her own. Perhaps it was underhanded and unfair, but...

"Why?" She asked, defeated. To her, it was clear. I'd won, she'd lost. There was nothing more to it. Really, there was just one question. A simple question. One with a very complicated answer. After all, she wasn't asking why I had cheated. The answer was obvious, there. No, she was asking something else entirely.

Why had I even given her a chance, when it was clear I'd never let her win?

"Why else? To teach you something. It's what I do, after all."

Her nose scrunched up in thought, as she tried to figure it out. "And what kind of lesson is that, exactly?"

Smirking, I pulled out another cigarette and lit it up, as I answered. "From the moment you walked into the room, I could tell what kind of person you are."

Raising her brow at both the comment and the seemingly sudden shift in topic, she said, "Oh?"

Looking out through the window as I let out a puff of smoke, my gaze was distant. I could see the sun, bright and shining up in the clear sky, shedding light down onto the mountain and forest that surrounded the town. It really was quite serene, and the outskirts brimmed with unseen energy. Meditation came quite easily, though as easily as in the Elemental nations.

"Everything needs to be in order, for you. All straight lines, and tidy structures and surfaces. Organized. Efficient." I paused, before continuing, "Predictable."

Slowly, she nodded, accepting my observations as the truth, because they were. Someone like her would be well aware of her own nature.

"The problem is, life isn't like that. Nothing is, really. It's hectic, and chaotic, and you'll never see everything it throws at you coming. The world is a bit of a bitch like that." Quite literally, in the Elemental Nations' case.

Fucking Kaguya.

"And while order and forethought and all that jazz has it's place, you can't expect that to always work. People don't play fair, because life isn't fair. I get the feeling you already kind of know that, so I won't go into it, but the point is this." Turning from the window, I looked her straight in the eyes, and said, "When things aren't going your way, and it doesn't seem like they ever will...when you don't ever have the opportunity to make a comeback, or you're just on the outright verge of losing, the only real thing you can do is simple. Just one little concept you always need to keep in mind. When the rules of the game aren't in your favor?"

I smiled.

"Change them."

There was silence, as she absorbed what I said. Most likely, she'd have learned this herself down the line. She was a smart kid, after all. Hell, for all I knew, she probably already had. But if she had...she needed a reminder. I could tell. There were a lot of similarities between her and Shikamaru, on an intellect level, but there was one difference. One thing that kept her from being just as good.

That cunning...the trickery and planning that Shika could weave together was a scary thing. He wasn't like me, or Sasuke, or Neji or any number of other ninja I could name. Shika wasn't a powerhouse. Far from it. Despite that, though, he was one of the most dangerous people I knew, because he used what he had so well.

And when it came to battle? He didn't play fair, either.

Eventually, she sighed, and began to rise from her chair. "I will keep that in mind then, I suppose." As she made it to the door, she paused and said, "Thank you, Mr. Uzumaki."

Then she left.

Inhaling deeply, I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes, exhaling deeply.

I'd been so nostalgic, lately. Maybe I was just seeing what I wanted to see, but after years of tedious boredom, things were getting interesting. These kids just reminded me so much of people back home, for some reason. And I could see it. That spark of potential, just waiting to be brought to life, and explode into a beautiful, raging bonfire.

I paused.

Then I snorted, because that thought was just so _Gai._ 'Fanning the Flames of Youth' indeed. The thought was so sudden, and so out of left field I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed long and hard, until I began to buckle over and tears began to stream down my eyes.

Because I finally had my answer. My answer to a question I hadn't even realized I'd been asking myself these last few years. Hadn't I thought this to myself just a few weeks ago? Had I not been mentally complaining for nearly a year now about this same subject? How had I not realized it before? Oh, and it was all the sweeter, as my own words just a few short minutes ago came back to haunt me.

If I was so bored these past few years, so unsatisfied with how things were going...why didn't I _do_ something to alleviate that? Why hadn't I shaken things up? Why had I just kept coasting along, waiting for things to change on their own?

Why hadn't I changed the rules of the game?

Before too long, my fit of laughter came to a stop and I stood up from my seat. Wiping the the few tears from my eyes, I didn't even bother to blink when the door to my classroom was slammed open.

"Uzumaki-Sensei, please teach me!"

And when Hyoudou Issei barged his way into my empty classroom and made his request, all I could do was widen my already large grin and say one thing.

"Okay."

* * *

 _ **A/N: This is about all I have left of what's pre-written. Well, half of chapter 3 is done, but I have no idea when that will be finished, as I've been writing this when I have the time and energy, while adjusting to my new job.**_


End file.
